Thursday, July 25, 2013

Saloon Brawls Should be Safe, Legal and Rare

In the complete absence of saloon brawls or the like, men have been faced to turn to video games; this has caused the dangerous illusion that they are really capable of winning a brawl, or recovering from one quickly.

Even worse, many men don't even have video games and are left searching for alternative expressions of masculinity, like smoking pipes or shaving old-fashioned razor blades; needless to say, both are life-threateningly dangerous.

To help remedy this urgent situation of masculine health, I propose the following:

Saloon brawls should be safe, legal and rare.

Safe - Paramedics should be on hand to remove men who can no longer get up on their own and give them adequate medical treatment.  Missing teeth or broken arms should not qualify for this service, since those suffering from these injuries can still walk home and take care of themselves.

A saloon brawl video game
Legal - Current laws have made impossible for men to initiate or even seek out local brawls;  such activity would surely bring jail time and legal action.  Our laws must be changed to reflect this basic necessity and right for masculine well-being; a man should not have to fear being jailed or a criminal record simply for breaking a wooden chair over another man's head.

Rare - It would be unreasonable to think that the local tavern could carry the costs of a brawl every Friday evening.  Besides the inconvenience of closing for several days for repairs, it would drive up the prices of beer.  Brawls should allowed to happen often enough that any man choosing to participate could easily do so in his lifetime without having travel far or wait till he is too old to do so; yet they should be rare enough so the local taverns can recover and absorb expenses easily.  Men initiating tavern brawls too frequently in the same place would be expected to cover the expenses.  Those who are fond of brawls are free to find a different tavern or bar each week.

Some would argue that this last point is limiting to a man's right to brawl as he sees fit; men should be free to choose about their own body.  However, the point of this proposal is not to create a free-for-all, but simply to give each man the choice to participate in a tavern brawl should they feel that need, rather than having to turn to sad situations of video games, smoking or shaving with dangerously sharp objects.

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