Saloon Brawls Should be Safe, Legal and Rare

In the complete absence of saloon brawls or the like, men have been faced to turn to video games; this has caused the dangerous illusion that they are really capable of winning a brawl, or recovering from one quickly.

Even worse, many men don't even have video games and are left searching for alternative expressions of masculinity, like smoking pipes or shaving old-fashioned razor blades; needless to say, both are life-threateningly dangerous.

To help remedy this urgent situation of masculine health, I propose the following:

Saloon brawls should be safe, legal and rare.

Safe - Paramedics should be on hand to remove men who can no longer get up on their own and give them adequate medical treatment.  Missing teeth or broken arms should not qualify for this service, since those suffering from these injuries can still walk home and take care of themselves.

A saloon brawl video game

Legal - Current laws have made impossible for men to initiate or even seek out local brawls;  such activity would surely bring jail time and legal action.  Our laws must be changed to reflect this basic necessity and right for masculine well-being; a man should not have to fear being jailed or a criminal record simply for breaking a wooden chair over another man's head.

Rare - It would be unreasonable to think that the local tavern could carry the costs of a brawl every Friday evening.  Besides the inconvenience of closing for several days for repairs, it would drive up the prices of beer.  Brawls should allowed to happen often enough that any man choosing to participate could easily do so in his lifetime without having travel far or wait till he is too old to do so; yet they should be rare enough so the local taverns can recover and absorb expenses easily.  Men initiating tavern brawls too frequently in the same place would be expected to cover the expenses.  Those who are fond of brawls are free to find a different tavern or bar each week.

Some would argue that this last point is limiting to a man's right to brawl as he sees fit; men should be free to choose about their own body.  However, the point of this proposal is not to create a free-for-all, but simply to give each man the choice to participate in a tavern brawl should they feel that need, rather than having to turn to sad situations of video games, smoking or shaving with dangerously sharp objects.

After 4 Years of No Pipe ...

Pipe Tool, Pipe and Package of Tobacco

After more than 4 years of not smoking my pipe, I finally took a little detour on our last family outing to the beach and bought a pack of pipe tobacco downtown (Playa del Carmen).  There was little variety, and the workers new nothing about the tobacco - they only read me the name from the package, as though I couldn't do it for myself.  So I choose the flavour that sounded most like the ones I used to like - sweet rum.

Fortunately, the package was well sealed and the tobacco inside was still relatively fresh.  (I've had some in Canada that was completely dry and crumbly, and hence virtually useless.  Never from the Walper Tobacco Shop downtown Kitchener, though.  Theirs was always fresh.  They're located in the Walper Hotel, at the corner of King and Queen if anyone's interested.  Best tobacco shop I've been to to date.  I intend to go back on my next visit to Canada.  See their Facebook page for some OK pictures.)

Me smoking a pipe in 2006 when my wife and I met - a favourite picture of hers

My pipe was safely put away in a box under the bed; I was actually surprised since my wife tends to through (or give) anything away that we haven't used in a year.  She had stored it with her wedding veil and about 5 other items of sentimental value that have official and permanent immunity to spring cleaning (which never happens in the spring, but at random times throughout the year.) Perhaps she gave the pipe this immunity since was because when we first met I used to smoke my pipe.  Or maybe out of thoughtfulness for me, since she knows how much I used to like it.  In any case, I was touched.


My pipe tool (as seen in the picture above) was neatly stored in my old wallet where it has been untouched for the last 4 years.  (The same old wallet I've used for almost a decade, I believe - the same one I've always used to store my pipe tool - besides cash and bank cards.)  It's a great wallet, from Mountain Equipment Coop.  Still as good as new - except that it's dirty. I could probably clean it.  I'm sure if I didn't use it, my wife would throw it out.  But that's beside the point right now.

My old MEC wallet with the pipe tool inside

On Sunday evening, I packed my pipe and sat down on my front lawn, with the cool evening breeze (refreshing after the hot day), packed my pipe, and enjoyed a good smoke for the first time in four years.  I enjoyed it.  I still like the flavour and the process packing, lighting, and doing something that is slow and, by it's very nature, not rushed.

(A little note: I thought it would be worth pointing out that I have smoked a pipe, it just wasn't mine, and definitely not often; I think it was probably 2 or 3 times.)

The Walper in Kitchener - I didn't buy my tobacco here this time, but I will next time.

The pipe tobacco selection in the Walper